Think a mid-life crisis is all about middle-age men, younger women and red sports cars? Well, I’m here to tell you that you would be wrong. Women have mid-life crises too. And I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that plenty of moms have them. They just don’t talk about it.
Oh, mid-life crises are real! (And they don’t just occur when you turn 50.) They occur when you get to a point in your life when you take a good hard look at your life so far and PANIC! Is this what the rest of your life is going to look like?
If I were to put a time on mine, I would say that it’s been going on for about three years and only now do I recognize it for what it was. It started when I was 38 when my family and I moved to North Carolina. I was tired, lonely and had dealt with a fair amount of stress. I fell into a depression. I’ve written about this before. But what I didn’t tell you is this…
I ran away!
From everything.
I stopped cleaning my house. I stopped helping my children with homework. I stopped going to school meetings. I stopped worrying about our budget. I just stopped! My husband pretty much took over everything and became “Mr. Mom”.
I traded in my mommy-mobile (SUV) for a sportier car. I got 3 tattoos. I spent my weekends out acting like a single person. I didn’t care about anyone but myself. I convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be a wife and mother and that I wanted to move out of my house and leave it all behind.
Thank goodness the economy sucks big-time and I couldn’t leave. There was no way I was going to afford living on my own and paying child support.
I got myself back into therapy and on medication. Slowly, very slowly, I started coming back. I realized that what I was looking for was here all along… just buried under all the stress. I realized that all of my “balance” and organization and trying to “be it all” just wasn’t realistic. At least not by myself.
You see, my husband learned a whole hell of a lot too in the past three years. He found out that every time he told me he “understood” what I was going through, he really had no clue at all. But when it was all dumped on his shoulders, he found out pretty damn quick. NOW he understands! (And I love him more for it.)
I have gone back to work full-time. (I need to find my independence again… and pay some of these bills.) I’ve started cleaning and taking care of my family again. I’ve started sleeping again. (There’s a blessing!) I’m finding a way to balance who I need to be and who I want to be. (And I’m still trying to figure out who I want to be.) They are not always the same thing and suppressing who I want to be for my family was not a smart or loving idea.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I want you to know that it is okay not to be perfect and have it in balance all the time. I want you to know how important it is to take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else. (And it’s therapeutic for me to put it in writing.)
So, go ahead and balance your life. It’s critically important! However, it is just as important to remember that you don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to be in contol all the time and you really don’t have to do it all by yourself.
(P.S. I looked back at some of my older blog posts before writing this. I still believe in what I wrote. And I really did find my happiness in 2009. It will only get better from here.)
KC, what a honest post. WOW! I thank you for sharing what was/is happening in your life. Most women would not have done this and I commend you. Women for some reason try to be a “super Mom” at home, or in the workplace they try to break that “glass ceiling”. Why and at what cost? We need not have the feeling that we need to compete but instead to do the best that we can without loosing our self in the process. Maybe your post will open the eyes of those women who are running this type of race. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Sherry
KC,
You are truly an inspiration to everyone out there ( and it’s probably EVERYONE of us) who have felt, or currently feel, to be in a midlife crisis. I wnet through mine at age 39, with the help of a therapist filed for divorce ( I had totally lost my sense of me in that marriage) went back to school to become a Life Coach, quit a secure job and started my own business. Following my heart took so much courage…but it was so worth it and I also came back to life! There are still those days that are tough, and knowing that others go through them helps. You are absolutely right about be gentle with ourselves!!! Thanks for sharing something so important !
Jane
This is a great post that not only has value for you in the writing, but for your followers in the reading. I am 20 years ahead of you and can attest that almost all women go through some sort of mid-life identity crisis around 40. And too often they just walk away from kids and husbands thinking that is the fix. It almost never is.
I’m glad you, and other young women like you, are willing to go public with your experiences so that others can understand that it’s not happening only to them. Glad to “see” you being kind to yourself and getting your sense of balance and fun back. Love the cartoon post! It’s never the right house but it’s the one that sustains us in the end.